...or this moment of this morning (for my moods can change so
quickly), I am aware of the sunlight through the living room window
as I type and I am grateful that the washer and dryer are working
and that I have homemade granola to look forward to when
I get around to breakfast.
Life is funny.
Yesterday was a town day, starting with a simple follow-up
visit with my mom's wonderful doctor to tweak her supplements
after some bloodwork....Mom to respite, me to Home Depot to try to
finish up with all the choosing and ordering of materials for mom's
little wing that is nearing completion...then two precious hours in
the coffee shop, deeply enjoying a latte and the creating of a blog
post at The Bower. In that post I wrote of how out-of-sorts January
has been, but how it was starting to flow again. And truly, I felt happier
than I have in a long time yesterday, in spite of Mom's little
decline, in spite of other stresses and worries. Mom seemed really
worn out on the drive home, but I put it down to the early
doctor's visit and no nap.
I let her take a nap when we got home (even tho' it was 7 in the
evening-I usually try to keep to her daily rhythm of one long nap in
the afternoon, thinking that more naps might throw off her nightime
sleep even more than it already is, and she usually just doesn't take a
nap on town days), but I woke her up for a little supper and tennis
on the telly. She didn't eat much, but again, I put that down to her
disorientation after the late nap....she was quite mixed up. Now I know
that she was mixed up because she was getting sick. The night hours
were a blur of trips to the bathroom, soiled sheets and clothes, then
lots of waking up, incoherent. Mom is hard of hearing, so when
her hearing aids are out, she can only hear if you speak very close to
her ears. All through the night, and still this morning, she hardly seems
to be able to hear me at all....tho' it is probably more that she can't
comprehend me in her heightened confusion. It is very hard to see
her weak and her face so different....so far away. It is very
hard to be responsible for another person's
health and well-being 24/7. And yet...
At this moment, I am clinging to peace. I have a call into
the doctor (the doctor who yesterday was celebrating the fact that
Mom almost never gets ill). I have the monitor right next to me and
ply Mom with water everytime she stirs. I am hoping it was something
she ate yesterday, and that that soon she will be feeling well again. I
am trying to remain positive about the steps I took last night to avoid a
UTI after all the messiness. I am trying not to succumb to the worry
and dread that so easily come with caring for my dear mom with her
frail mind in her aging body. And as the sunlight has disappeared as I
write, I am also hoping it returns, because everything is easier with its light.
But even a cloudy day is better than those dark hours after midnight...and
I reminded myself of that last night when sleep wouldn't come in
the snatches of rest between tending Mom.
Sometimes during the long hours last night, I would think of the
dear people that I know are tending their loved ones, or overseeing
their care from near or far, or who might just be sleepless and worrying
too. And I am thinking of you this morning, and wishing for all of
us a little more light.
PS Forgive the odd formatting....I can't take anymore time to fix