Hello! I am Lesley, your cruise director.....

...that's what it feels like sometimes around here...
rather often around here, actually. Especially on days like

today when I am bit under the weather and also have tasks
like book-keeping to take care of.

My sweet Mom comes out of her room after her nap and
sits down heavily in the chair next to me, then sighs and
looks bored. I suggest her book, but that hasn't been
a popular activity lately (I shall have to do a little subtle
sleuthing to see if she is having any trouble with reading,
or if she just needs a new book). And indeed, she rejects
that idea. I am not up to a walk...mentally or physically. It
takes mental strength to go on walks with Mom as I must
match my steps to Mom's slow ones and, inevitably the
same observations and questions come up in each and
every walk....but today I am also too tired physically
(just allergies, I think!).




So, I have been researching off and on today, trying
to find an attractive, inexpensive latch-hook rug kit. My
mom and her mom actually used to do these in the '70s
when my grandmother lived with us. It was one of the
few crafts that my mom spent any time with. She doesn't
knit, crochet, sew or even mend. I wonder if you lose
those skills with dementia? They, somehow, seem
un-losable...but as my mom never had them, her
hands are often unoccupied these days. Perhaps
the latch-hooking will soon fill both her hands
and her empty moments.


In the meantime, there is always dishwashing
(what she is doing right now-thank goodness my son
didn't get on it as quickly as he was supposed to!).
And we clean the house together now-Mom is in charge
of dusting and I do the vacuuming and bathrooms.
Folding clothes is a good one, especially if the things
are small....but I shall be working on storing up
some pleasant, independent activities for Mom
when books, tv, and chores pall. This has been on
my mind for months now, as the dementia shrinks
the already small list of things Mom likes to do.

For now, I will keep the beautiful magazines
nearby to hand to her in boring moments, and
the hummingbirds are still here for her to watch,
and I am sure I will get up the strength to go on a
walk tomorrow.....And, of course, I am aware that
that there is much more to this than the simple
problem itself....it is my guilt over not taking
more time to figure it all out...it is my sadness
about the diminishment of my mom's
interests and abilities.



P.S. Indeed, my son accompanied my mom on
her walk today and I had the good fortune to win
a UK ebay auction for this rug kit. I am so thankful...
there are some shockingly ugly rug kits out there
in the world!

just a....

...little note.

I am thinking that sometimes this blog will
serve as a place to simply record small moments
with my mom that I will not want to forget.

Like tonight, watching a sweet movie together
and noticing that she was sitting with her arms
wrapped around her bent leg, the foot resting
in the chair...a very familiar pose for her that
I haven't seen for a long, long time.

And after we kissed at her bedtime, she said
"Good night m' dear"....also something very
familiar, but long-missed.

Glimpses of her old self.

good days

I write this as I wait for my bath to fill, having just enjoyed
a nice supper on the porch. My mom is in the kitchen with my
husband, doing the dishes (a favorite chore). We have had
good days for four days running...Mom hasn't been waking
up at night and she has been happy. I have tried to figure out
what we are doing to possibly contribute to the sudden sleeping
well...but every evening has been different-wine one night
and not the next, a movie at homeone night and a social outing
(with caffeine!) another, sometimes a walk during the day,
sometimes not. As a caregiver, you can start to feel as
superstitious as a baseball player in trying to figure
out how to have these sorts of welcome outcomes on a
more regular basis...but when there is no answer, I just
let go and appreciate the gift of them.


a few hours later...


Wouldn't you know, after coming down from
my bath, saying good-night to Mom and while
watching a movie with my deario, Mom has woken up
twice. The first time she came out into the living room
with her lipstick on so nicely and her shoes and shirt
on over her pajamas...she was sure there was something
she was supposed to be doing and somewhere she needed
to go. I helped her out of her clothes and shoes and loved
her up and sympathized with what she was feeling after
awaking from a dream. Lights out and awhile later during
the movie I noticed her light was on again. This time, I
went to check on her and she was trying to find
"whatever was making that noise" in her room.
This is all pretty typical, and I suppose our
little interlude of peaceful sleep is over...
atleast for tonight.

Still...it was a good day.

life on earth

A whole month has passed since I wrote here
(thank you deeply for all the warm messages sent
my way in response to my last post), a whole month
of mostly depressed spirits and emotion bubbling up
over and over again....but the sun is shining again in
my heart and I am just very simply
grateful for it.


I have been afraid to write here...to expose my
raw feelings, the depth of my struggles as a caregiver,
the little and big things that fill my mind and my heart...
but I think that has passed. Yes, there are people facing
much harder realities than mine and there are people facing
my reality and handling it in a more peaceful way than I. But
I need to write this journey and I need to be honest about
it, so that is what I will do here. Perhaps this is one of the
good things that will come out of the emptiness left as
friends have disappeared and illusions of many kinds
have been unmasked...one must get it out somehow.


I may write everyday....sometimes I imagine finding
a blog online written by another woman caring for her
mother with dementia and trying to do so positively
and beautifully and authentically...and how comforting
and connecting it would be to follow the ins and outs
and ups and downs of her daily life. I have searched
and searched for such a blog....having yet to find it, I
will just have to make what I am looking for...knowing
it will do me good and hoping it will do something
beyond that.


But now, it is almost time to leave the library and
pick up my mom from her afternoon at respite car....
as good a reason as any not to edit this rather unexpected
post. I thought I would be catching up aboutwhat I have been
reading and the latest chapter in the Great Toothbrushing
Debate-and so I shall. But my heart was in charge of
my fingers today (perhaps it always should be?) and
this outpouring feels like another of the healing
rain-showers our parched part of the earth has
been given lately....and that reminds me of a poem
I shared at The Bower last year...


And between shower and shine hath birth


The rainbow's evanescent glory;


Heaven's light that breaks on mists of earth!


Frail symbol of our human story,


It flowers through showers where, looming hoary,


The rain-clouds flash with April mirth,


Like Life on earth.



Mathilde Blind




..."like Life on earth"....that is what I am living, what
we are all living and what I want to put down here
in the days to come.