Saturday, October 30

all dressed up and no place to go

number of times Mom woke up last night: 0 Callooh, Callay! That must be why I am up and refreshed early in the morning for the first time in a long time. Thankful, thankful.

what we watched: the recorded Oprah show with the reunion of everyone from The Sound of Music

what we had for supper: vegetable soup and bread, water....very simple

Yesterday turned out to be a hard day. Mom really dragged during the dusting and seemed remote most of the day. She even woke up a few times during her afternoon nap, which is very unusual. It felt just like the days when my children were little as my mom went for her nap and I started turning out the mudroom, counting the minutes for my menfolk to leave for town and the resulting few hours of solitude I would have while my mom slept. Just a few minutes before they left, Mom woke up and didn't want to go back to sleep when I told her that she had a long time left for nap-time.

I was a grump when I kissed my guys goodbye and continued cleaning while Mom read in her chair in the living room. Imagine my surprise when I checked on her 15 minutes later and found the chair empty and her door closed. When I peeked in her room, she was getting back under the covers and when I went to give her a kiss she said "You were right-as always-I am too sleepy to stay awake."
: )

I dropped everything else and hied myself to the sunny kitchen sofa with a cup of coffee and some maple cookies and my book and solitude. I wallowed in it for 45 minutes or so before she was up again....all dressed, with her purse on her shoulder. I explained we weren't going anywhere and we both settled down to a quiet rest-of-the-afternoon.

Later that evening as I washed up our few dishes and Mom pondered whether she would go to bed or not, she came near me and I watched her face, seeing she was at loose ends. I asked her about it and after some grasping for words she said "I just don't feel like myself....nothing feels right." These are the hard moments....because she isn't herself and it isn't right....but she doesn't know why and I do but I can't make it better. Not much anyway. I told her that we all feel that way sometimes and I joked with her that "She certainly looks like herself...and very beautiful that is."

And I see on the monitor that my beautiful mom is awake, so I must return to the house (I am writing from my new studio for the first time!). And I am hoping that today, with a good night's rest, Mom will feel herself.

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