all dressed up and no place to go

number of times Mom woke up last night: 0 Callooh, Callay! That must be why I am up and refreshed early in the morning for the first time in a long time. Thankful, thankful.

what we watched: the recorded Oprah show with the reunion of everyone from The Sound of Music

what we had for supper: vegetable soup and bread, water....very simple

Yesterday turned out to be a hard day. Mom really dragged during the dusting and seemed remote most of the day. She even woke up a few times during her afternoon nap, which is very unusual. It felt just like the days when my children were little as my mom went for her nap and I started turning out the mudroom, counting the minutes for my menfolk to leave for town and the resulting few hours of solitude I would have while my mom slept. Just a few minutes before they left, Mom woke up and didn't want to go back to sleep when I told her that she had a long time left for nap-time.

I was a grump when I kissed my guys goodbye and continued cleaning while Mom read in her chair in the living room. Imagine my surprise when I checked on her 15 minutes later and found the chair empty and her door closed. When I peeked in her room, she was getting back under the covers and when I went to give her a kiss she said "You were right-as always-I am too sleepy to stay awake."
: )

I dropped everything else and hied myself to the sunny kitchen sofa with a cup of coffee and some maple cookies and my book and solitude. I wallowed in it for 45 minutes or so before she was up again....all dressed, with her purse on her shoulder. I explained we weren't going anywhere and we both settled down to a quiet rest-of-the-afternoon.

Later that evening as I washed up our few dishes and Mom pondered whether she would go to bed or not, she came near me and I watched her face, seeing she was at loose ends. I asked her about it and after some grasping for words she said "I just don't feel like myself....nothing feels right." These are the hard moments....because she isn't herself and it isn't right....but she doesn't know why and I do but I can't make it better. Not much anyway. I told her that we all feel that way sometimes and I joked with her that "She certainly looks like herself...and very beautiful that is."

And I see on the monitor that my beautiful mom is awake, so I must return to the house (I am writing from my new studio for the first time!). And I am hoping that today, with a good night's rest, Mom will feel herself.

friday, the last of October

number of times Mom woke up last night: 4 (two while we were still awake and needed conversation to help her back to bed, two during the night-but she went back to sleep on her own)

what we watched: Quality Street, B & W, old Katherine Hepburn. Charming and delightful....very Cranford-esque

what we had for supper: Trader Joe's Pizza, arugula from the garden, small glass of wine for me, pomegranate juice for Mom



That will be all for now as it is our day to clean the house. Mom is the duster, I am the vacuumer and bathroom scrubber. I got Mom started on the dusting so that I could quickly post this....she decided to start in the kitchen and playfully dusted my husband as he sat in the chair!

starting again.....

....I believe it is a rather human tendency not to communicate as much when things are going well. And things have been going fairly well, no major problems, my emotions about my mom's state are under control for now, we have a pretty good rhythm going....

But this is a caregiving journal. And when I started it, I wanted it to be both full of the little daily things that are a part of caregiving and the big thoughtful things that cross my mind and heart. I wanted it to be just the sort of place another caregiver could look forward to visiting everyday just to hear a little something from someone else walking the same path. And some place to share the deeper things sometimes, as they would certainly be better gotten out than kept in.

So I am starting again. And I will be playing with a list of sorts to fill in every day, about the day before......how Mom slept, what we watched, anything funny or notable said, etc. It will help me to remember things, perhaps help me to see patterns, and lists are easy and satisfying. I hope that any caregivers who find my little spot here will find something worthwhile if I devote myself to writing here much more often.

Beginning again.....

Grace's daughter

My mother's mother was named Grace. As I wrote a little

bit about her at The Bower a few days ago, I found myself
writing "Grace's daughter" when I mentioned having to end
the post to go and pick up my mom from respite care. Ever
since, that way of thinking about my mom has been running
through my mind and my heart.

Choosing to take my mom under our wing was our
natural (tho' weighty) response to her need...as her children,
also simply as humans reacting with compassion, I believe
(Does that sound too simplistic? For I know you can be filled
with great compassion for someone in the same situation and
not make the same decision...)...there were many layers.

Now there is a new one, because now I think of my
grandmother, watching me care for her daughter.
That is a new and beautiful-and sobering idea. My
mother, seemingly unquestioningly, took care of my
grandmother in our home for the last nine or ten
years of her life....my Grandma Grace did not have
dementia, but she had had a leg amputated and
my grandfather had died a year before she came to us,
so she couldn't live alone in St. Augustine any longer.
Probably alot of questioning went into the decision-
making and the living out of it....I was in my teen years
and didn't pay attention to those undercurrents.

The dementia makes it a very different sort of
experience for me than my mom had with her mother...
and yet, my mom took care of her mom...and because of
that, I got to know my grandmother more deeply than I
would have otherwise. And it is comforting and
strengthening to me to think that I now have
Grace's daughter in my care and can feel Grace's
approval and love.